The Dark Lord's Castle
by Pinkypig
Summary: Harry Potter is taking on a job in the Dark Lord's castle. Will he survive? Gasp, and what's this? A bet with the Dark Lord? Oh no! Whatever could it be? SLASH! HPSS
1. Chapter 1

So, not really knowing where this story is going. All I know is that it will be slash and will be Snape/Harry and that I don't own Harry Potter. Yep, that's about it.

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Once upon a time in a not so far away land there lived a boy named Harry. This boy was an orphan and was being stalked by a crazy man. Anywho, Harry lived with his aunt and uncle in number four privet drive. He lived a peaceful life there, being bossed around by everyone, having to do all the chores, being locked in a closet and stalked.

Every now and then Harry dreamed of a new life. One without all the chores, one without all the pain, one without a crazy stalker man. But alas everyday was the same.

That is until the day. Oh yes, the day. The day in which a fairy godmother - er . . .father came out of the Dursley's fireplace. Harry Potter was in shock and it clearly showed as his hair quickly turned from a nice shade of brownish-black to pure white.

Sirius, Harry's fairy Godfather, had to tell Harry a great and many things. Things that could change the life of the young boy forever. Things that no mother would want their children to here about. Things that no father's want their kids repeating in front of their mothers. Things so dangerous, so insane that not many men would do it. Or actually, a lot of men would do it besides the consequences, but that's just because they're stupid.

The task that Harry had to take on was to go inside the castle of the very man who stalks him and take on a job. That's right, join Lord Voldemort and become a death eater's whore.

Of course Harry, being the idiot that he is, decided to accept this task and take on the many death eaters. Unbenowned to Harry of the horrors that awaited him, he began to pack. He did not know why his Fairy god father had to come and tell him this. He thought that they were only supposed to come and grant him a wish. Later he decided that the fairy godmother must do that. He must find out.

Once Harry was all packed and ready to seek out Voldie's castle he told his family that he was going. To Harry's relief they took this lightly. Harry did not want to leave the family asking questions and crying about his departure. Luckily for him not a single tear was shed from the Dursley family.

So, Harry set off on his grand adventure and found himself face to face with the very man he was looking for. It was a good thing that Voldy was stalking him or he could have become terribly lost. And of course, being the man that he was he couldn't stop to ask for directions.

After explaining to the evil dark lord his plains Harry was taken to the lords castle and given a room. It was a dark room, but very cozy as well. As Harry looked around the room he thought it to be abnormally large, of course when your bedroom is a closet and then a tiny room anything else would look huge.

Harry quickly got adjusted to his new living arrangements and went to go find the dark lord to ask him what it was that he was to be doing. Without knowing his way around he decided to take a left when he really should have taken a right. Instead of the dark lord's chambers he ended up in the chambers of one Severus Snape.

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I think I made up a word somewhere in there. Hehe. Well, this is supposed to be humor as well as romance. I think it's more on the humor side of things. So, tell me what you thought. I know it was short. Maybe the second chapter will be longer. Review! 


	2. Chapter 2

I'm so proud of myself, I updated and it's a longer chapter! Thank you my one reviewer, ewchy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

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Severus was not to happy with the sudden entrance of the boy-who-just-wouldn't-die in his chambers. Harry took no notice, however, for the potions master was always in a foul temper. 

"What are you doing here Potter?"

"I was looking for Voldie's chambers. I must have taken a wrong turn."

"Of course you did, you idiot. You took a left when you really should have taken a right. Why are you looking for the chambers of the man who is trying to kill you? How many times must we tell you to stay away from him? You really are an idiot child."

"Hey, I am not. My fairy godfather told me to come here to get a job."

"Yes, well, that mutt wasn't to bright either. Just wait till Dumbledore hears about this, his star boy venturing out and getting killed because he's too stupid to figure out that he is going to be killed. The man's not after you for any other reason Potter. Now get out of my chambers. I'm a little busy."

"Whatcha doin"

"It's none of your business Potter." The potions master quickly hid the tap shoes that he was about to put on under the bed and glared at scare head from where he stood. Harry took no notice, however, because he was to busy taking in the room.

It didn't look like something the man with a stick up his, you know, room would look like. In fact, to Harry it looked more like something a normal person would have. Nice big comfy looking chairs right when you walk in. Beautiful dark green walls, and in the back a nice bed made with dark wood.

Harry wondered for a second if the bed was nice and soft, but decided otherwise because of how cranky his teacher was all the time. If only the potions master had invested in that sleep number bed he had seen four days ago then he would get a perfect nights sleep.

After staring at the picture of a unicorn above Snape's bed for awhile, Harry decided it was time to stare at his teacher. He then decided the unicorn was prettier and went back to staring at it. If only the man took a shower once in a while, Harry found himself thinking. Then he might look semi-attractive, Harry thought.

_Never mind._

No, it was just impossible for the greasy haired, hooked nose man to look anything like attractive, though his voice is kind of sexy.

The not so attractive man glared at Potter for a few moments more before he too was staring at the picture of the unicorn.

"Why are you here Potter? Are you a collector of fine arts or something? If you want the bloody picture just take it. I was going to get a new one anyway. One more . . .bloody and creepy looking." Severus Snape said.

"Oh, that's suits you. The unicorn kind of does though too." Harry said.

"Oh really? And how is that Mr. Potter?"

"Well, Sir, your both misunderstood and like to be alone."

"How is a unicorn misunderstood."

"It just is Professor."

"And we're both beautiful creatures right?" Snape said sarcastically.

"Well, the Unicorn is beautiful on the outside and you're. . .well you're not beautiful at all. Not on the outside and not on the inside, but I bet deep down inside you're beautiful." Harry Said. "Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep . . ."

"I get the picture."

"Deep down inside." Harry finished.

Harry continued to stare at the picture because he didn't know what else to do. Here he was standing in the room of man he hated most in the world, not counting that guy who said he was to short to go on a ride at a carnival. He was so going to get that guy one of these days.

"What are you waiting for Potter? Get out of my sight!" Snape said.

"I think something is supposed to happen though."

"Like what?"

"I feel like we're supposed to be nicer to each other. Get to know one another and find that we have more in common then we thought. We're supposed to communicate like friends. You're supposed to save me from the Dark Lord and we're supposed to fall in love. Or I will become bored and want to experiment. . . you know, in that way. With you. Or you turn into a vampire and since it's in my nature to help people I will offer you my blood and we will have steamy hot vampire dungeon sex."

"We're not having steamy hot any kind of sex, Mr. Potter. Now, get out of here."

"Yes sir."

And with that Harry took his leave. He didn't really know why he had said the things he did, it just felt like the right thing to say at the time. Now, he was glad that the ugly potions master refused him.

"Wait, why should I be glad about that? Sure, I don't want him, but that means that I can't even get an ugly, greasy man who hasn't had sex in ten years. I'm a loser!"

So, Harry came up with a plan, a daring, but not so clever plan to win the potions masters heart.

"I don't want his heart. I just want to get him in bed." Harry said.

And with that Harry set off to begin his devilish plan. However, he once again managed to go in the wrong direction. This time he went straight instead of turning right. If you remember he took a left instead of a right and ended up in the room of Severus Snape.

Now, he should have taken a right instead of gone straight and ended up with the Dark Lord himself, Voldemort.

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Harry is in need of a map. Anyway, review please! 


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you reviewers. Sorry this is so late. I'm working on other stories too.

Disclaimer: Don't own.

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Now standing in front of the dark lord, Harry wonders how the lord got so ugly. He had seen what Voldemort had looked like when he was younger and Harry had to admit he was one hot guy. Dazzling green eyes that sparkled when the light hit them just right, vibrant blackish hair that was styled in just the right way, strong arms, a sexy bottom, and a face like it was craved by angels.

Now, what stood before him was a ugly reptile looking thing. It looked as if the main man had had one to many plastic surgeries that were good for him. His nose was missing, his eyes no longer sparkled in the light but always looked like two pools of blood, all muscles in his body were gone, one would not even want to check out his ass and his face was most definitely not carved by angels, more like a second grade student with a chisel.

"What may I ask gives me the honor to this visit, Mr. Potter?" The ugly man asked.

"Well, honestly I got lost. I think I was coming here earlier though. I don't remember for what though. I got lost on my way here and ended up in Snape's room where I got distracted by a unicorn."

"Why does he have a unicorn in his room?"

"He said he was a fine art collector or something. He thinks he's like a unicorn, can you believe that."

"It was probably sarcasm that he was using. You should get used to it. Now, you probably were on your way to see me because you want to know what you are to be doing."

"Oh yeah."

"Well, it's quite simple. If one of my men want a sexual favor done I call on you and you give it to them."

"What if two men want it at the same time? Do they have to fight to the death? That would be so cool!"

"No, then there will be a threesome."

"I can't except this job."

"Why not?"

"I'm a virgin. I don't know how to do anything like that. Besides, I wouldn't touch your men if the world depended on it. Except for Snape because I plan on bedding him."

"Really? You'll never do it. That guy is like a monk."

"I can to do it!"

"How much you want to bet?"

"How about this, if I succeed in bedding Snape in- let's say a month- you have to surrender this war and go into retirement in the Antarctic. If I fail, then I will give up and I shall be your slave."

"Don't I already have that?"

"I haven't given up, nor have I said I would be your slave."

"Fine, you have a deal. Now, no cheating, no love potions, no spells, no charms."

"It's a deal then."

The two shook hands and Harry departed for his room. This time he made it to his room without turning in a wrong direction. Very shocking isn't it?

Now, Harry had to figure out how he was going to get the slimy potions master into bed with him. He also had to figure out what it was he was going to be doing in bed with his least favorite professor. He hadn't the slightest idea how two men got it on. He thought that maybe Snape would be a sport and show him through it. That would mean that Snape would actually want to have sex with him, which he probably didn't.

"I need to be clever about this," Harry said, "I need a plan that is flawless. I need this to work. How will I accomplish this seemingly impossible plan?"

"Why don't you just ask him if he wants sex? You are posing as Mr. Mort's whore," said the sexy man in the picture above Harry's bed.

"Brilliant idea. I'll just ask him. Wait, what if he says no? I'll need a more clever plan than that. Why don't you keep the plans to real people you stupid painting?"

The man in the picture stuck his tongue out at Harry before disappearing. Harry didn't care if the painting left, he had more important things to think about than that.

After thinking for approximately 3 minutes, Harry left his room and ventured back to Snape's. He found the man taking down the unicorn picture and replacing it with a picture of a woman being tortured.

"I think that one suits you better, sir," Harry said.

Snape, being the man that he is, was not startled by Harry being in his room. No, he had heard someone enter and was quite sure he knew who it was. Harry speaking only proved that he was right. It did, however, annoy Snape that the boy was there once again, but he knew that he probably wasn't going to be getting rid of the boy anytime soon.

"Sir, can I speak with you?" Harry asked.

"I believe you already are speaking with me," Snape said.

"I was wondering if you would help me."

"You need my help? This is such a surprise. I've only been saving your butt for the last five or something years."

"And I thank you for all those times. I was wondering if you could teach me how to have sex."

Snape was dumbfounded. The boy had actually had the guts to ask him about sex education. He may be a teacher, but he was not going to teach this boy about the birds and the bees.

"This is your guardians responsibility not mine. If you wish to know more about sex go home and ask your aunt and uncle."

"They wouldn't tell me if I asked. Besides that's not really what I meant. I just spoke with Tom and he told me he wants me to sleep with his men when they wish it. I don't know what to do, sir. I want you to show me."

Snape whipped around to face the boy his face showing disgust.

"That's preposterous, Mr. Potter!" Snape said in anger, spit propelling from his mouth.

"No it's not. I trust you the most, so I think that it's reasonable," Harry said, "Well, I trust you the most out of the peopehere. If we were back at Hogwarts than I wouldn't be in this predicament and. . .never mind."

"Perhaps I can ask Lucius to have his son come and give you a lesson in sex. I'm sure he's much better suited to teach you than I am." Snape said, still in anger and shock.

"Well, that is very tempting. Actually that's extremely tempting, but I think I prefer you. I prefer your sexy smirk, your delicate hands, your . . .I'm not even going to lie to I don't prefer you at all. I think I'm going to go puke now, but I'll be back and then we'll have hot sex. Mark my words Snape, I'll be back for you!"

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Wow. Yeah, now is the time for you to review. Yep. So, please do that and I'll update again in the future.


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